[elvida]

So I have some bad news for you. Apparently this means…

…you are human.

And that diagnosis is apparently terminal (unless you know something we don’t).

 

I think what strikes me about much of the current thought process concerning poker is that there is someway to train your brain so that the feelings associated with losing that are frequent in poker are avoidable. Many sites/instructors speak as if the pros have developed some form of zen like elimination of the emotional side of the game through mindfulness, vegan diets, frog poison, self-affirmations, etc. If only you follow their path, you will be free of those pesky feelings. I find the whole concept..ludicrous…well, really a number of other words that might get my post moderated…so I will stick with the genteel “ludicrous.” If you don’t care about the game, you won’t care about the outcome. If you do care, you WILL experience those emotions and there is not much you can do about it.

Psychologists often talk about their annoyance with the effects of grief. Intellectually, you can anticipate the effects that it has on you and know why it is occurring. The annoying thing about it is that when you experience an event that leads to grief, you can’t avoid it simply because you know what to expect. You still have to go through the process to feel better. Often this means you have to think about what occurred and experience the emotions that come with those thoughts. Very annoying. Most people would much prefer to “Spock” it, but I will remind people that Spock is a character in Star Wars, and is not real. (And for a certain percentage of you now have to try to deal with the negative emotions associated with that last statement…because Spock was a character in Star Trek). Some of the approaches that people recommend may reduce the acute nature of the effects (mindfulness, relaxation training, cognitive restructuring) and can help reduce their impact, but elimination in the short run is unlikely. (For those of you still fuming about my Spock joke, deep breathing will help).

In poker terms there is no real way to avoid the irritation that happens when you have AA and the guy that called your jam with Q7o hits a Q AND a 7, leaving you with with nothing but the empathic looks of others at the table (or your dog if you are playing online). It is frustrating and it feels unfair. No avoiding it. That is just how your brain works (stupid brain). You may be able to ignore those feelings for awhile, but they only go away with time and/or winning experiences when you get back in the game (of course those winning experiences are not guaranteed).

What we can avoid is the negative behaviors that can accompany these feelings that will only worsen our situation. Tilt is not the emotional response you experience when you lose. That is inevitable. Tilt is the behavioral response where we punch in our stack into the middle with ATo in a 4-bet pot because we are upset. How we behave outside of poker is a form of Tilt, even if we are not on the felt. (In general I would avoid punching anything in response to losing at poker on or off the felt).

Luckily, there ARE ways that we can manage our behavior and this may decrease how our feelings will impact us. We have already talked about the commonly suggested psychological approaches to decreasing negative emotions. The second, you have already identified. Recognition of WHY we are feeling angry/frustrated/depressed will help decrease the negative way we could potentially treat ourselves or others around us by allowing us to take steps to not blast our “canon of irritation” indiscriminately. Kicking the dog because chance cracked your aces is not appropriate. Recognition that we are in a negative emotional state may suggest that maybe “no poker today” or “no more poker today” is good idea, particularly if the emotional swing is great. I think that Tommy Angelo’s greatest contribution to poker particularly for Rec players is the concept of Quitting. Not playing when we are significantly angry/frustrated/embarrassed is probably the best thing we can do. Quitting when we are ahead is also great if you are happy. If we don’t have to make our living playing, then why continue to punish ourselves with it when we are not enjoying it or require ourselves to play until such time as we are unhappy? In other words, if you are in a hole, stop digging. If you are on top of the pile, stay up there and enjoy the view.

Poker is difficult, mean, bastard of a game. It is not designed to make you feel good long term. To be honest (and unpopular) for those out there with significant mental health issues, I do not think that Poker is fundamentally a great idea. For those of us who do not have such issues, we need to manage its effects carefully. James “SplitSuit” Sweeny talks openly in his podcasts that he has had to manage his poker playing given that he did not like how he treated people around him when he lost. Making sure that we quit (“vacation” if you don’t like the term quit) before we punish those around us is one of the best things we can do.

I also think that it is important to have an alternate hobby to poker to fill time when we quit/vacation. I play guitar. When I practice guitar, I get better at guitar. I rarely feel that I have gotten WORSE at guitar after putting in a long playing session. There is a direct correlation between my playing guitar and my getting better (ask my wife…well, maybe DON’T ask my wife…but I know I am at least somewhat better). As such, when I am sick of poker or at least sick of losing, I go play guitar and get better, and nearly guarantee that I will enjoy my free time. It is true for poker as well (the more you play/study the better you will get), but with guitar playing, no one comes 80 percent of the time when you are about to triumphantly tear into the lead for Layla cuts your E string. In poker, that is expected.

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I guess the summary of this long post (I know, shocking that my post would be long) is give yourself a break. You are like the rest of us and there is not that much you can do about it. We LIKE having you in the club. The more you play, it will sting less, but it will never go away and the emotional response will always be greater than you wish. It is kind of what you sign up for when you decide to improve at poker. You could not care about the game, and it still can be fun so long as you don’t mind losing your money (and if you don’t, I would like to invite you into my home game!) You chose differently. The annals of competitions are not filled with the successes of those who did not care about the sport/game they were playing. In fact, those at the top of their field are usually lauded for how much they hate losing (and often what jerks they are about it when it happens). Truth is no one likes to lose at something they value and I doubt that hatred of losing really separates them from us.

 

My 2nl.

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[fivebyfive]

I was going to respond to this too, but I certainly couldn’t do better than Elvida. That’s an amazing post!

But I will add a few thoughts in direct response to some of the things you said. I love Jim Reid’s attitude of a stubbed toe. That’s how long you have to scream into the void when you lose AA v JJ on the stone bubble of a big tourney (as happened to me this weekend). If your toe would stop hurting by now and you are still fretting about it, you’ve got work to do to get your mind back in the right headspace. I’m not perfect at this either. Some of them stick with me more than they should. But I try.

I love the recommendation to take breaks when it makes sense and find other outlets. Poker demands a good mindset to be successful and even then it is never guaranteed.

And that’s the last point. It’s important to remember that what makes poker so interesting and intriguing is that it isn’t chess. If you were the best chess grade master on earth and you lost to a rank amateur, it would absolutely be a colossal failure. In chess, if you’re better, you’re just supposed to win. There is no wiggle room there. But in poker, a barely-able-to-speak, drunken, trust fund kid IS EXPECTED to beat the best player in the world some of the time.

That’s part of the point here and part of the attraction of this game. Anybody has a chance. You want to give yourself the best chance by making the right decisions, by studying off the felt, by continuing to challenge your assumptions etc. But if those that were better never lost and those that were worse never won, the entire game would die. That’s important to remember when you feel those moments. We like this game because of its uncertainty, and we need to try to find ways to embrace it on the positive and negative side.